Not sure how to manage spending the holidays alone? Or making the holidays special for the kids with everything they have been through?
I know what you are going through. In 2016 I faced my first holiday season as a divorced person. The first one alone, in 20 years.
It took me a couple years to get used to the holidays after my divorce. So, I can tell you it does get easier.
But beyond reassurance, I also want to share with you some tricks on how I survived the holidays after divorce.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to allow yourself time. Time to heal. Time to get used to your new life. Time to just be.
Divorce is emotionally draining. The holidays are emotionally draining. Put them together, and you have the recipe for a meltdown. (Which if you need, take it!)
It will take a while to get through all the emotions and figure out what your life looks like after marriage.
Don’t expect yourself to instantly feel like you have to have it all figured out. Don’t push yourself into situations that will bring unnecessary stress. Do what you want you need to do to take care of yourself.
Build extra time into your schedule to allow for yourself to unwind and have a good cry.
Need extra emotional healing tools to survive the holidays? Check out our article on Emotional Healing Techniques
The best part of this? You have a clean slate to create from. How often in your life do you get to change traditions and try new things?
Approach it as an experiment. Try some things and if they don’t work, you don’t have to do them again.
So, how do you even figure out what those new traditions might look like?
I recommend you answer the following questions. Do this in a journal so you can write about any of the emotions that come up.
Now using your answers to the questions above start creating your holiday plans.
Depending on the age of your kids, it can be a great idea to get their opinion on what to do with the holidays. The older they are the more of an opinion they will have.
Not to mention, they will be more likely to go along with the plans. Creating a better holiday for everyone.
Ask them what liked and did not like of things you did in the past.
If your kids are younger it is a judgement call on if you involve them. Depending on the age and their maturity level, it may be best to make the decisions on your own.
The first year, I made most of the decisions. Then with each of the next years I involved my son in the decisions. This can be surprising because sometimes he picks things I would not have expected.
Here are a few ideas to help you get started in re-creating your holidays after divorce.
I would love to say that I had everything perfectly managed by year two, but that is just not the case.
Year two is easier, but with most divorce settlements, you will get different holidays this year. It is a good time to re-visit the journal questions from above for the new holiday season.
I would also still allow extra time to manage your emotions as they come up.
As far as traditions go, keep experimenting. If the prior year was not exactly what you were hoping it would be – try something new!
This goes for the holiday’s you don’t have the kids also. I have tried being with friends and last Thanksgiving tried traveling alone. You never know what you are going to like if you don’t experiment.
Year 3 was when I finally got to where my feelings were easier to manage. Honestly even better than before the divorce. My holidays were settling into a rhythm, and I only tried a couple new things.
Because of everything going on. Your divorce, new living circumstances, a changing life – all on top of the Holidays. Make sure you have a support team in place.
Have a friend you can call if you need to talk. Have a counselor to help you through the depressing days.
You don’t have to do this alone. Build a support network around you.
No matter where this process leads you, remember you are the one making decisions. You don’t have to do what your friends and family tell you to do. If it is too much to go to a party – don’t go! Honor what you want and need.
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